No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
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[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?