Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
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So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
This is Sparta
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl