I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
You Might Also Like
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.