don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
THIS HEADLINE
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men