Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
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“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Is….Is this an option?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos