Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
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I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time