Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
You Might Also Like
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: