[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
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Employees must applaud the planets.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
good work, detective
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
then why did i get this email
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.