wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
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she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.