You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
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[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Not all heroes wear capes.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.