Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you鈥檙e sure that’s all
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
the first two drinks don鈥檛 count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
plant them where lol
I want this so bad
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
ok so i鈥檓 watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
At least he tried.. twice.. 馃槄
seems fine
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.