[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
You Might Also Like
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
not for long
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Cow it started Cow it’s going
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
tis the season
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.