How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.