*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
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My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
WHY would you be happy about this?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true