The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.