Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
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Intelligence is the new cleavage
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
You sure about that?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.