Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
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Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong