I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
thank god