I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
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No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Looking at you, Jesus.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄