Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
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When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*