Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
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me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.