Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
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your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
This line from Airplane.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want