Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
You Might Also Like
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo