HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
You Might Also Like
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne