Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
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I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!