got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
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Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.