I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
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If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
If a snake ate a cake
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.