Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
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Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Super Hand Dog Face
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!