I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money