Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I am, perchance
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?