ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…