Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
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What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll