Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
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Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.