Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired