Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop