Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
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My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts