WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
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Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
A man of commitment.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes