Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes: