Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
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When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Denise please return my vape pen
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My god she’s good.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!