Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
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I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.