Denise please return my vape pen
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WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
This kid is a star!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.