Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
You Might Also Like
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.