“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
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Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
#Caturday
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.