cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
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I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
When you’re Kinky but poor
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams