[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”