*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.