Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
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Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors