[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
This made me chuckle.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself