My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
channeling her this year
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don鈥檛 want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Me: I鈥檓 cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what鈥檚 coming .
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it鈥檚 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we鈥檙e doing something together
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here鈥檚 a bouquet. i鈥檒l be rotten tomorrow
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza