[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
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If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.